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Autumn 2010 | Vol 14 No 1

Myth busters

Breaking through the shame

of male sexual victimization

By Helen Buttery

New York psychologist Dr. Richard Gartner treats men who have been sexually abused. Author of Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life after Boyhood Sexual Abuse, he says myths still abound about male sexual victimization. In this column, Gartner sets the record straight about these misnomers.

Myth: Males cannot be victims of sexual abuse.

Fact: Although a lot has been written about the shifting of the “macho image” – the idea that boys are strong and therefore not vulnerable to victimization – most boys still grow up with that traditional idea. It’s part of differentiating themselves from girls. Men give lip service to evolving gender ideas; for example, I’ve heard many men say, “It’s okay for men to cry, but not me.” I don’t think there’s a man in our culture who never falls into those stereotypical traps about what it means to be a man, even if he recognizes it. The reality is that boys are smaller and weaker than their perpetrators. Often boys chosen by abusers are already marginalized, making them vulnerable. For example, one or both parents have substance use problems or the parents are divorced. These young boys may already be troubled and are looking for a connection to a male mentor for what is missing in their own lives. Unfortunately, the predator’s radar is up for someone like that. Often abusers are in a position of power and trust, for instance, a teacher or club leader.

Myth: Homosexual men are most likely to sexually abuse boys.

Fact: In one study of approximately 3,000 incarcerated pedophiles, not one of them identified as gay. This study suggests that pedophiles are not homosexual – being attracted to adult men. If we define homosexuality as being attracted to other men (as opposed to male children or adolescents), there are virtually no homosexual pedophiles. Sexual abuse is not about sex; it’s about power. Boys are less threatening than women, yet they resemble women – hairless, smaller and not as physically powerful as men. Often pedophiles see children as their peers.

Myth: Sexual abuse of boys by women doesn’t happen.

Fact: It is mostly men who abuse boys, but the number of women who abuse is higher than we may think. A recent study showed that 60 per cent of boys were abused by men, 29 per cent by women and 11 per cent by both. Abuse by women doesn’t usually involve physical threats; it’s more covert. When a women initiates sex with a boy, he may consider it a “sexual initiation” and deny that it was abusive. His friends will think he’s lucky. Often, men are in their 30s and early 40s before they acknowledge the sex as traumatic. One man I saw in my practice had been abused as a freshman in college. His parents were divorced. He was vulnerable and looking for maternal nurturing. A female professor invited him over to teach her yoga. She propositioned him and he feared losing his new-found maternal connection. He thought, “If I say yes, I’ll maintain my relationship and have sex – that’s not a bad thing.” But it was. When the relationship ended, this young man dropped out of school. Now, at age 42, he has never had another relationship with a woman.

Myth: Abused boys will go on to become abusers.

Fact: This is one of the most damaging myths. Yes, a disproportionate number of perpetrators were themselves abused. However, more than 80 per cent of sexually abused boys do not become adult perpetrators. It’s important to put it in perspective because this stigma creates fear and further traumatizes male victims. They are afraid to disclose because people will suspect they are pedophiles. One of my clients who told his family he was abused was denied access to his grandchildren. Many abused men internalize this myth and walk around fearful that they will abuse or be accused of abusing. Sometimes men seek treatment because they have become fathers and are afraid to diaper their children. They may also seek help because their child reaches the age they were when they were abused and they are paralyzed with fear – they are afraid of themselves.

Myth: Boys who are sexually abused by a man will become homosexual.

Fact: Boys are developing their sexual identify as growing young men. Whatever their sexual identity – homosexual or heterosexual – abuse will make them question their sexuality. Corroborating this myth is another myth: if a boy becomes aroused during the abuse, he must have enjoyed it and therefore he must be homosexual. Any 14-year-old boy will become physically aroused by this kind of contact, even if the experience is traumatic or painful. Pedophiles play on this insecurity, saying, “You enjoyed it.” Blaming the victim is a common strategy abusers use. It may be easier for a child to accept that “he asked for it,” rather than thinking that the world is a scary and unpredictable place. And if he does disclose, he may fear that everyone will think he’s a “fag.” Even today, there is no worse insult on the playground than being called a “fag.” What’s most important is for parents to teach their children that they are allowed to tell them anything, that they will not be blamed or punished. Opening this line of communication is so important.